Diana's Diary

2001-01-23 - 04:42:33

On Orange

I talked to both Orange AND Song tonight. Song's still up in SF at school, and Orange's down here. He invited me to a party on Thursday night, and I'll probably go, just to get out of my apartment for a while. Song and Orange have their anniversary on Sunday, but she's stuck up north and told me to hug Orange for her. I was like, "Me hug Orange?" And she says, "Yes...?" I've known Orange for two and a half years now, and I think that I've hugged him maybe a total of three times. And two of those were under weird circumstances. The first one was when we were first getting to know each other. I'd been on the phone with Ex, and Orange had been hanging out in my room with my then-roomie, LTC. Ex and I had a fight--a BAD fight (he told me I was "crazy, just like [name deleted]")--and when I hung up, I was livid. And embarrassed that Orange and LTC had heard me screaming at Ex. So I left, went outside, banged my head into the wall a few times, and came back. Orange and LTC were looking at me like I *was* nuts. I didn't say anything, and eventually Nasa dropped by. (LTC and I certainly had a popular dorm room.) Somehow or another, Orange ended up inviting all of us to his parents' house that weekend, and when he left to go to bed, I asked him for a hug. I never ask people for hugs, but it was all because I was feeling so pathetic because of Ex... so eh. That was also around the time that I was starting to get interested in Orange, so all in all, NOT one of my finer moments. The second hug came after this horrible night when Orange had gotten into a fight was this huge asshole who lived on our floor. Part of their fight had to do with me; the ass (who was friends with LTC) had been in my room, and I'd been trying to study for a midterm. The ass was so annoying that I finally left to go study in Orange's room. As soon as I left, the ass got on LTC's computer and IMed Orange, asking, "Is the bitch over there now?" That pissed Orange off, and he and the ass got into this huge thing where Orange was telling the ass that he didn't respect other people, and the ass was telling Orange that he was a scrawny loser wannabe. Eh. It almost came to blows, but didn't. Orange came out of that pissed at almost everyone in our hall except me after that. (Mad at LTC for being the ass's friend; mad at his roommate for agreeing with him in private, then wussing out and not backing him up when the fight started; and of course, mad at the ass.) After that Orange and I went on a really long walk (we circled the entire campus) and talked about it, and when we got back into our rooms, I gave him a hug. Of course, the ass walked by just as that happened. So again, eeeh. The second hug wasn't under as pathetic circumstances as the first, but it was all about the drama. (Actually, I think that DORMS in general are all about the drama.) I make it sound like Orange and the ass fought because of me, but really, that was only the catalyst. The ass REALLY was an ass, and he'd been doing ass-like things to piss Orange off all year. (Damn frat boy.) The third hug was when we were leaving school for the summer at the end of that first year, and that was normal.

Of course, I'm not counting as "hugs" things like the infamous water fight of '99, or all of our other "wrestling" matches. Those were a lot more physically oriented than a simple hug. Sheesh. No wonder Orange and I had/have such a dysfuntional relationship. We skipped some basic step somewhere, and it's left us all confused. I AM over him (and that's not just wishful thinking--the clear-seeing Di took over sometime last May, and once and for all I realized all of the reasons why Orange and I wouldn't ever work as a couple). There's just...residual weirdness, especially where Song is involved. Song really is nice--hell, I wonder why she puts up with Orange sometimes. :) It's just, from what I've gathered, Song knows nothing of the Orange/Diana history except that we're friends. It's probably better that way, but... oh, hell, I don't know. I don't want to do anything that would give her a possible reason to be jealous of me, if that makes sense. I mean, I get to see her boyfriend waaay more often than she does; he spends all this time with me...yeah, if I was Song, I might have reason to feel pretty paranoid about me. And I don't want to do anything that makes her uncomfortable. She seems cool in accepting that her boyfriend has close female friends, so that makes it much easier. But still, I worry. I guess I'm afraid she'll tell Orange that he can't be my friend anymore, which is ridiculous, but still. Song doesn't seem like she's like that, but a lot of girls are.

I was re-reading some of my old e-mails to Soshe this last weekend. I did a lot of psychoanalyzing about Orange in them. Props to Soshe for putting up with me. All of the drama aside, I'm glad I have him. When I come out of this whole sordid college experience, he's probably going to be the only real friend that I got out of it.

Hell, after I graduate, I'll be up in the Bay Area, where Song is. Maybe we'll even get to be real friends. That would be nice.

-Diana

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2003-12-16 - Ow! My Nose!
2003-12-15 - 'Tis the Season...For Moving
2003-11-17 - Rush, Rush
2003-11-03 - Apartment Hunting Sucks
2003-10-22 - Apparently, "nauseated" is a good look for me.

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