Diana's Diary

2001-01-28 - 05:29:55

Mostly Morbid

Hell. HELL. Right after my last entry, my good old laptop "Little Engine" crashed. Long story short--I spent about 45 minutes freaking out after I tried to restart and couldn't. Finally Silver pointed out that I had a floppy disk in, which was causing the problems. Duh me. Eeeh. HELL.

Thursday I went to classes and met Orange afterwards. A couple of Orange's friends (now known as F and K) came up to visit, and we went to dinner. I'm still sick, so I wasn't feeling particularly chatty. Plus, they're all Republicans and kept talking about politics, and there was nothing I could contribute that wasn't going to start a debate. Being sick (and outnumbered 3 to 1), I wasn't in the mood. Basically I was bored all evening. I'm tired of being "one of the guys." Do they realize what asses they make of themselves? Eeeeh. Plus (and this is my low self-esteem kicking in), F has met me MANY times over the past 2 and a half years, and he still can't remember my name. My name is not that difficult; he should bother to remember it. But I think, okay, maybe he's just bad with names. But noooooooo. He remembers LTC, whom he has only met once. (We watched the basketball game on TV, and LTC was cheering.) Of course, LTC is little and cute, and so of course everybody remembers her. Double eeeeeeeeh. So I decided to go home. They were all drinking, so no one could drive me, and I ended up walking. (Considering that we had another couple rape attempts in the last two weeks, what does it say that I'd rather take my chances walking home alone in the dark than stay at Orange's?) By the time I got home, I was NOT in good shape. My lungs hurt, I was cranky and depressive, and when I got to my room, I basically spent the next several hours crying and having a mini-breakdown. I wrote a really frightening entry in my other (non-online) journal, and when I looked at it again yesterday, it struck me that it came off sounding an awful lot like a suicide note. That's not what it was--I wouldn't do that. But I'm frustrated about everything at the moment, so perhaps I was being a bit overdramatic. The biggest thing, I guess, is that I have been unable to sleep, because I've been worrying about stupid stuff. The computer shit, but then, a few nights ago, when I was feeling really lousy (mentally and physically), I had the most morbid thought: If I was to die in my sleep, how long would it take for someone to find me? It could be DAYS. I keep my bedroom door closed most of the time (more energy efficient, and it hides the fact that I usually don't make my bed), so the only reason I can think that either of my lovely roommates would bother to look for me is if they wanted to borrow my cordless phone, or if someone called for me. (And if it was the latter, only Silver would bother to actually open the door to look for me.) So yeah, imagine having thoughts like THOSE running through your head at 3 am when you're trying to sleep. Quite unsettling.

I finally talked to JB today. Well, she talked. She didn't say much about Ex, which is fine on one hand, but frustrating on the other. I really shouldn't care. Mostly JB wanted to bitch about work. She says people there resent her. (Well... considering that she basically takes off on vacation whenever she wants, and only works 3 days a week the rest of the time, I guess I can understand that.) I don't know. I supposed I wasn't much in the mood to listen to her problems, mostly becuase I've got so many of my own at the moment. But then again, I suppose my problems probably sound pretty stupid to other people, too. Sigh.

I'm a wreck.

-Diana

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2003-12-16 - Ow! My Nose!
2003-12-15 - 'Tis the Season...For Moving
2003-11-17 - Rush, Rush
2003-11-03 - Apartment Hunting Sucks
2003-10-22 - Apparently, "nauseated" is a good look for me.

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