Diana's Diary

2001-09-19 - 11:38 p.m.

Nostalgia. Or Something.

Yes, I'm still alive. It's been a busy week, and tonight I'm only going to cover a little bit of the backlog.

Mom's gone. I saw her off on Tuesday night. It was very weird to see the house all empty--it reminds me of when we first moved in. I'm trying not to think about that too much. Nine years of memories makes for weepy nostalgia.

Speaking of nostalgia...

Holden's brother Mack called me tonight. Mack, as I think I mentioned before, was my prom date. I hadn't talked to him in something like three and a half years. Mack's one of those guys who is trying to keep tabs on everyone from high school, which in a way is sweet, but in a bigger way is kind of sad. High school was a long time ago. We all need to get over it.

Note to any high-schoolers who may be reading: Your senior year will be great. There will be a sense of camaraderie as everyone desperately bonds together right before they have to face the scary world of college and be on their own for the first time.

That sense of closeness will not last.

Yes, a few will remain. JB and I are still friends, and I occasionally still talk to Ex. Other than that, over the last four years, everyone else has drifted away.

That's not necessarily a bad thing. People change, after all.

One of my best friends in high school was this guy Cal. Cal went to UCLA with me. (Another note to high-schoolers: Don't pick your college based on where your friends are going.) Cal and I stayed close during our freshman year of college...and then, nothing. He disappeared. In my journal back then, I referred to him as "The Great There Not There." Cal got a girlfriend, and I ceased to exist. And then he dropped out of school. Now and then I'd hear a tidbit from someone about what he was up to, but he never returned any of my calls or emails.

Put simply, Cal hurt me.

Everyone who has ever told me that they would love me forever has been full of shit. I don't think that "love" is necessarily the problem word. I think the problem is "forever." But I am losing my point.

It seems that Cal is back here in the Bay Area, and he and Mack have hung out a couple of times. Mack tentatively asked me if I'd be cool with hanging out with him and Cal sometime--because apparently Cal told Mack that he thought I was mad at him.

Gotta love the grapevine. I haven't heard a word from Cal in three years, but he knows I was/am "mad" at him.

I'm not mad at him. Maybe I was once. I was hurt. But it was a long time ago, and I came to the conclusion that it wasn't worth the energy to be mad about. That's why I finally asked people to stop filling me in on Cal's life. (And I bet that's what got back to him to make him think I was mad--that I didn't want to hear it anymore.) There wasn't any reason for me to know what was going on with him, because obviously I wasn't important enough for him to tell me himself.

It did really fucking hurt that it was AT, my roommate from freshman year, who told me that Cal had dropped out. He kept in touch with her, a virtual stranger? AT and I didn't really even get along, and Cal kept her?

I don't know. I told Mack that I'm not mad--that I was hurt by the way Cal handled things--but that I would like to see Cal again. So we shall see.

And for the record, there was never anything romantic going on between Cal and me, despite what other people might have said or thought. With Cal and me, "love" was strictly platonic. The reason I was so hurt by him is that we were so close that it was like my own brother had cut me out of his life (with no explanation) because his girlfriend told him to.

This is why Song initially made me so nervous. After all, Orange and I did have a romantic history. "History" being the key word there. Thank God Song is cool and rational and knows I'm not a threat. Thank God she didn't force Orange to choose between us. Because really, it's apples and oranges.

Cal's girlfriend obviously didn't see the difference. And apparently, they're still together. So it will be very interesting if I do see Cal again.

I really don't know what to think.

-Diana, signing off

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2003-12-16 - Ow! My Nose!
2003-12-15 - 'Tis the Season...For Moving
2003-11-17 - Rush, Rush
2003-11-03 - Apartment Hunting Sucks
2003-10-22 - Apparently, "nauseated" is a good look for me.

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