Diana's Diary

2001-03-16 - 22:21:48

Worry

So, I'm done with all of the work that I have to do this quarter. The only reason I'm even still down here is that I have to show up at my seminar on Monday, and after Wednesday, I'm not particularly looking forward to that, but whatever. I can deal. Normally I have this feeling of elation when I'm done with a quarter (which usually involves me singing "We Are the Champions" as I skip back from campus), but this time, there was nothing. I don't know, maybe I'll feel better after I'm really done Monday night. Considering how much this quarter has sucked, though, you'd think I'd be happier to be done.

Possibly it's because I'm worried about other stuff. About a month ago, I went off on a little diatribe about Mil and the scare he gave me with the whole suicide thing. Well, now I've got another friend in a similar situation. I'm practically tearing my hair out over this. I mean, she sits there telling me that she thinks she's a horrible person, she doesn't deserve to live anymore, she just wants to cut and run away. She says that maybe she just wasn't meant to do anything, so she shouldn't be here anymore. What the hell? Does that sound ridiculous to anyone besides me? And then she goes on to tell me that she doesn't think that any of her friends really care about her as much as they say they do.

All right, obviously the fact that she's telling me this is a cry for help. And obviously the fact that I'm getting so upset about this means I care. So why doesn't she get that? Gah! I just don't know what to do to make her see that killing herself is not the answer. Her response to my arguments seems to always be "So what." I've only got one card left to play, and I'm not sure how to play it effectively. That card is: "Do you want to be known as 'that chick who offed herself'?" She can make all of the so-called arguments for why she shouldn't live anymore that she wants, she can have all of the "good" reasons that she wants. In the end, the way that everybody looks at every suicide is that the suicidal person just couldn't hack it anymore. And she can hack it--she just doesn't want to anymore. But that's such a small, tiny, insignificant distinction.

All of that guilt she's carrying around? That's bullshit. At this point, her biggest argument is that she's causing so many people so much worry that she might as well just do it. Aah! No! No no no no no! I mean, think about how much worse all of her friends would feel if she did kill herself? I just don't know what to tell her. How do I politely say "Snap out of it!" without coming off as a completely insensitive clod? I mean, yes, it is okay to be unhappy and to feel bad about yourself sometimes. It happens. But to kill yourself over it? All that guarantees is that you don't live long enough for things to get better.

I don't know how to convince her, though.

Worry, worry, worry.

-Di

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2003-12-16 - Ow! My Nose!
2003-12-15 - 'Tis the Season...For Moving
2003-11-17 - Rush, Rush
2003-11-03 - Apartment Hunting Sucks
2003-10-22 - Apparently, "nauseated" is a good look for me.

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